So Australia’s premier business journalist, Alan Kohler, wrote a commentary this week that concluded with;
Hey, wait a minute — I’ve got an idea … Leslie Nassar for CEO! Anyone who can get up Stephen Conroy’s nose like that is foreman material.
He had a lot more to say before he got to his glowing endorsement; but as soon-to-be CEO, I don’t have time for long, insightful analysis. I’m sure I’ll have people whose task it’ll be to create executive summaries in PowerPoint.
Kohler is a serious journalist with serious credentials, so here’s a brief outline of some things to expect during the Nassar Regime.
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Numero Uno; the asinine I am, you are, we are Australian song? Gone. Replaced with Go Ahead by Rilo Kiley.
If you want to have your cake and eat it too, and if you want to have other people watch you while you eat it; go ahead.
Yes, let’s all “go ahead”. We all want better things, and as Telstra’s CEO, I’ll make sure that we have more better things than anyone else.
As an aside, the acoustic guitar is a bonus; it’ll appeal to the highly-valued, revenue-irrelevant “subscribers” outside of Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane.
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Strategic redundancies. I’ve got a list, and the GFC gives me an excuse.
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BigPond Music. Did you know that BigPond sells music? Neither did I! It’s just like iTunes; a slower, uglier, emptier, and aggravatingly buggier version of iTunes. Gone.
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Compulsory Satire. All staff will be required to write something satirical, and/or borderline offensive prior to their mid-year Performance Reviews.
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T-life. Replaced by actual Apple Stores.
So there you have it. I hope you’ve enjoyed this glimpse into the future of Telstra. Suck it, Optus.
Comments
13 Comments so far. Leave a comment below.Leslie, if you are still on the Telstra payroll and willing to post this, you are the ballsiest man on the internet.
Thanks for the laughs. May Fake Stephen Conroy live forever.
Thanks Andrew!
The size of my balls notwithstanding — huge, by the way — it’s all just a bit of fun. It’d speak to some deep-seated insecurity, I think, if anyone at Telstra took serious offence to this.
Still, stranger things have happened. Empires can rise and fall as a result of seemingly insignificant events.
T-life… what would a telstra life actually look like?
Discombobulated.
Campaign for NextG
“Harder, better, faster, stronger”
(the daft punk song.)
Mr. Nassar
This is the most compelling business plan I’ve seen.
Thanks for resisting the forces that compel a TEN point plan. If five is enough, so be it.
Great idea to ditch Big Pond Music. I’d redirect those resources to get billing done right.
Good luck in the CEO race. You must be the front runner.
Ed
That seemed quite telling…
So I take it that someone at Telstra has deep-seated insecurities and has taken offence to this?
That sucks dude. Wouldn’t surprise me if FSC has opened up new and more interesting doors for you though. You’ve been a bloody funny bastard! :)
Laughed my arse off at this last night. Read this morning they booted you for it.
Just to ditto Andrew above – long live FSC. Thanks for the hilarity.
How might a citizen gifted of such marketing genius be so overlooked for promotion? All your ideas are wonderful and have the tang of an MBA got at Harvard. If I was a person of any influence, I’d certainly put you in charge of something. Perhaps teh internets.
Abolishing the effing Australia song is essential. I heard it for twenty four minutes and thirty eight seconds just this morning between barking at Bigpond’s automated twit and waiting for some guy in the Philippines to tell me that teh internets should be fixed for Victorians, um, sometime in the next day or so. Until then, no email.
Of course, I don’t mind jeopardising an entire business day. After all, my monthly Bigpobd bill is only $172. And I don’t really need to submit my work, Bigpond, because who can’t go without the odd bit of cash in this booming economy? So, by all means, upgrade your mail service in the middle of a business day. I’ll happily continue to pay your scant bills, accept your top shelf outages and wait half an hour for a fruitless conversation with a man who, quite justifiably, thinks of me as an overfed white devil.
BUT I WILL NIT LISTEN TO THAT AUSTRALIA SONG ANYMORE.
The truth about T-Life must really pull in the hurt over at T, esp. in Sydney where the T and the A shop face each other.
Apples and Oranges, literally.
Nothing on answering service calls or poleaxing lobbyists?
I like the way you think. How about a career in telecommunications?
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